Relationships Part 2

Relationships have many aspects. No matter what type of relationships you have, they can be always be developed and grown. But relationships, good relationships don't just happen, they are intentional.

Chances are that if you let a relationship just happen, then it won't be a healthy relationship.

If we are to develop the very best of relationships, then we must be intentional. If you are married then hopefully you will have done marriage preparation of some sort. Those of you married more recently will have done a whole lot on being intentional in relationships. This is because a good marriage doesn't just happen, it actually takes time and effort. The same is true of any relationship.Good relationships take time and effort, they require us to be very deliberate and very intentional in how we develop and grow them.  

Communicate God's way

The key to any good relationship, and to improving the relationships we have is in how well we actually communicate with people. We all communicate in some way. My experience is that the more I see of life, the more I realise that how and what we communicate is really important. Communication is both technique and content. It is not just what we say, it is how we say it and often what we do not say. 

Communication is not just what we say but very importantly, its about how we listen to others. The Bible says be quick to listen. Most of us are so keen to get our own thoughts out that we do not actually listen to others, we cut them off, and we are more interested in ourselves than in the other person.

James 1:19

My dear brothers and sister, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight.

James 1:26

If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are just fooling yourself and your religion is useless.

How we speak, what comes out of our mouths has a huge effect on relationships. But how we listen is vital.

James tells us to be quick to listen. What does this mean?

It means: 

To attend to what is being said.

To understand and perceive the sense of what is being said.

To find out and learn and to comprehend.

So to be quick to listen, means to actively listen to another person, to find and and learn, to comprehend what they are actually saying. Listening requires us to fully understand the other person and to make sure we perceive the true sense of what they are saying. This requires us to listen carefully, without forming our own ideas to respond, but to understand first, what the other is saying. (Not just their words, but their body language as well).

James also says be slow to speak. To speak is to articulate, to talk, to use words in order to declare ones mind and disclose ones thoughts. This is where it gets tricky in relationships and in communication. We want to be quick to speak, quick to articulate our own thoughts and ideas so others know what we think. We want to get our ideas across. We want to declare our own mind on something, so much so that in the process of doing so, we don't really listen. We don't allow the other person to finish what they are saying because we want to get our opinion across.

The Bible says, we are to do the opposite of what we want. We are to be slow to speak. When we are slow to speak, we are not consumed with ourselves (this is called selfishness, and self-centredness). In relationships, we are to consider others as well as ourselves. This is what makes a healthy relationship. Whether it be a work relationship or a marriage or amongst friends.

This passage of James also says be slow to get angry because our anger actually doesn't help the situation. The word used here can also mean impulse, agitation and indignation. James says, watch out for these things. Be slow to get angry and agitated and indignant. The tongue is powerful. In James 3:2-12 James goes on to say that if we can control our tongue - if we can control what we say, then we will have no trouble being in control of other aspects of our lives. He says that with our tongue we bless God and we curse people. This is a pretty accurate description of how we often behave. James says, it should not be this way.This is a challenge, because to control our tongue can be difficult.

Jesus said that from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If we want Godly communication, we have to check what is in our heart! What is within will come out, especially if pressure is applied. What is defiling your language? What is defiling your heart? Healthy relationships require us to keep a check on ourselves, on what we are allowing within.

1. Guard your heart.

Prov 4:23-26

Above all else guard your heart because it affects everything you do.

Avoid all perverse talk; stay far from corrupt speech.

Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don't get side tracked; keep your feet from following evil.

Keep a check on what your hear and see. It's like a gate. We have an ear and an eye gate. Keep a check on what goes in and out of the gate. Who controls that ear and eye gate? We do!!!

What are you allowing in your ear and eye gate?

What effect is it having on your life, your thoughts, your words, your actions?

Learn to open and shut the gate at the right times. Learn to recognise when something that shouldn't be allowed in has snuck in the gate and kick it out. I have a fence with a gate to keep my dogs in and the neighbours dog out. We have a choice about who we allow to speak into our lives, who we hang out with and what we see.

What changes do you need to make to ensure the right things enter your ear and eye gates?

Phil 4:8-9

And now brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honourable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you have learned from me and heard from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you.

Paul says, be deliberate in what you think and what you say will reflect it. Think about the following questions. They are useful for us to help us see what we think about most often. What we think about affects what we do, and who we are, so its important to be thinking the right way.

What do I think about?

What thoughts do I need to take captive?

Who will I be accountable to with this?

2. Speak what is right

Proverbs says stay away from perverse speech. If we guard our heart and think about what is right, we will say what is right.

Col 4:6

Let your conversation be gracious and effective so that you will have the right answer for everyone.

Notice the word gracious! Paul encourages us to always have gracious conversations; conversations that build up and enhance, that are effective and positive in people's lives. Gracious conversations arise from a gracious and forgiving heart.Ask yourself:

How gracious is my conversation?

What can I do to have a more gracious attitude that is reflected in my conversation?

Eph 4:29

Don't use foul and abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful. So that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

I think this is an area in relationships that we must be very vigilant about. The Bible is clear about bad language, but our culture is accepting of this. It is now acceptable to use all sorts of language, but we are not to be dictated to by culture or what the world decrees as acceptable. "Everybody does it" is not a valid response or reason. We are to think differently to that. We know Romans 12:2 - don't be dictated to by the customs of the world, don't conform to them but be transformed by God, through the power of his word.

What language do you need to be rid of?

3. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

This is loosely called the Golden Rule. To treat others how you would like to be treated means to speak to others the way you would like to be spoken to; listen to others the way you would like to be listened to; behave towards others the way you would like others to behave towards you.

Matt 7:12

Do to others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

We quote this quite blithely. But think about it. This is very powerful. If in every area of our lives we actually treated other people the same way we would like them to treat us, we would have very little issue with people. Jesus says that this verse sums up all the law and the prophets. Everything written in the old testament is summed up by treat others how we would like to be treated.

When it comes to our relationships this is such a key area. How do you want to be treated in your relationships? When it comes to communication, how do you want others to communicate with you? Think about it! Then treat others the same way you would like them to treat you.

Sometimes I think we want others to treat us how we would like to be treated,  but we feel we can treat others how we feel at the time, by judging them and speaking badly about them. I heard recently that we like to judge others by their actions, but ourselves by our intentions. We expect more from others than we expect from ourselves. The Bible says, that how we judge others, is actually how we will be judged!

In Matt 7:1

Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them.

Today as we talk about how we communicate with one another, think about how you would like people to talk to and communicate with  you.

How do you want people to communicate with you?

Do you want people to talk to you in the same way you talk to them (or about them)?

Or do you want others to talk to yout the way you would like to be talked to?

If we want people to listen to us, then we are to spend time listening to them.  If we want people to speak nicely to us, then speak nicely to them. 

Be deliberate in putting these things into practise. It will make a world of difference to your relationships.

Relationships Part 1

Relationships

Relationships are something that we all have. They are part of life and part of the fabric of our nation. The relationships can be great or they can be challenging. Some relationships are good for us and others are not. There are many aspects to relationships and over the next few weeks we will look at some of them.

What does the Bible have to say on relationships? Well, quite a lot really. In fact, there is so much on relationship because the whole Bible is really about relationship. Its about God's relationship with people, with Israel, with us. Its about having good relationships with one another, showing us how to live in relationship, how to build relationship and how to share life together well.

1. Relationship with God

We see God in relationship with Adam and Eve in the garden. He had created them and he walked with them in the garden until they messed up and sinned. God removed them from the garden, but his desire for relationship with people was not lost. It is interesting that at this point, the consequence of disobedience to God was that difficulties between men and women began too. The NLT says the woman will desire to control the husband and the husband will want to rule over the woman.

If you remember, this was not God's original plan. God's original plan was for mutual love, affection and equality. Bone from my bone and fresh from my flesh indicates equality, and love and partnership in life. This was God's original plan, and he restored it with Christ, when we became equal partners in the faith, equal before God.

Col 3:10-11
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilised, slave or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in us.
Note well: This is all about relationship. These verses go on to talk about how we are to live in relationship to others - clothed with tenderness, mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, forgiveness and forbearance.

Gal 3:26-29
For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus And all who have been united with Christ in Baptism have put on the character of Christ, like putting on new clothes. There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. And now that you belong to Christ, you are true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God's promise to Abraham belongs to you.

1 Peter 3:7
In the same way, you husbands must give honour to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life.

God brought restoration to what had been broken. After Adam and Eve we see God relating to mankind through other people, through Abraham and the nation of Israel that came from him and his descendants. We see God walking and talking with Abraham and bringing the promise of relationship with God to him and to the descendants. Finally, the Bible tells us in Galatians, when the time was right, Jesus came into the world, to once and for all bring back relationship with God.

Gal 4:4-6
But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out "Abba, Father." Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir.

The reason Jesus came into the world was a result of relationship. God wants relationship with us, and so he made a way for us to be brought back into that relationship.

2 Cor 5:17-18a
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun. And all of this is a gift from God who brought us back to himself through Christ....

God wants relationship with us and that relationship, which started with Adam and Eve and was broken in the garden of Eden, is restored through Christ. Jesus came to repair the relationship, to bring grace and forgiveness to the world. Jesus came so that we could belong in a family, so that we could be in relationship with our heavenly Father, and so that we could have life abundantly. As a result, we can have relationship with God. We are his children, part of his family and placed in his family here on earth.

What does your relationship with God look like?

What would you like it to look like?

How will you address the difference?

We also know that God has placed people in families for relationship and that when families break down, relationships break down. The great thing is that God is a repairer of broken relationships.

In 2 Cor 5:17 He repairs our relationship with him, our relationship with ourselves and our relationships with others. We are created anew. He desires that we be in relationship with one another and that we love those around us so that they will know him. When people don't have their own family, God places them in his family. He places those whose families are not functioning properly into the family of the church, into his family.

Psalm 68:5-6
Father to the fatherless, defender of widows, this is God, whose dwelling is Holy. God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

God, who is Holy, who is almighty, is a true father, who cares about people. He wants relationship with people, and he wants his people to have a place to belong, so he places them where they can have that relationship, and be with others in a loving family. He will do these things if we will let him. God wants to be in relationship with us, but he will not force relationship on us, he simply says "I love you, I have made a way for you to be in relationship, I have called you to me. Will you come?"

It's as simple as that.

Will you come?

Will you come into the relationship that will make all the difference in your life?

Will you spend time and enjoy his presence, and allow him to live in you and work in you to give you the best life possible?

2. Relationships with people
God calls us into relationship with him then he says "Go and live in relationship with others. Go and show the world what it means to be in relationship with me, by living in loving and caring and encouraging relationships with others, in your families, with your friends at work and in service for others."

2 Cor 5:18
And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him.

Our lives are about relationship with others so that others may know God, and be reconciled to him. But God does more than that. He reconciles us to each other so that we can live in proper relationship with each other. He gives us instructions on how we are to treat others, speak to others and care about others. Jesus said that people would know we are his disciples by the way we love one another. 1 John 4 continues this theme.

1 John4:9,11
God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.

Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.

An interesting statistic I heard recently is that people are not connecting like they used to. (Disconnected - Andrew Leigh 2011). In fact people are inviting others over into their homes for meals only half as often as they did 10 years ago. People are not building relationships with others as much. People are struggling, we need each other.Sure, we have FaceBook and Twitter and Instagram. We are sharing our lives more with others but we are not necessarily building relationships with others. We know alot about others, but we don't really know them or build relationships with them. Over the next few weeks we will look at what it means to build relationships, what to do when relationships are difficult, and learning to love and forgive others, because relationships are important. Relationships are powerful

Ecclessiastes 4:9-12
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken.

Two are better than one, a cord of three is not easily broken. Two people are always better. The Bible says that one can put a thousand to flight, but two can put ten thousand to flight. When there is relationship, there is strength and there is power. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is to think that we can go it alone, because alone is a very vulnerable place to be. Two people enable each other, two people get more done, more quickly.
Life is about relationship. In fact, when we bring God into our relationships, he brings strength and direction and purpose to them.

We know that small babies need touch and care to keep them going and to keep them alive. We need relationships to keep us going, to keep us alive. God's design was for families where children can grow and be loved in a protected environment. He designed extended families and circles of friends where people could find love and care and a place to belong. In our individualistic society, we sometimes forget how crucial relationships are to our lives and to society in general.

Hebrews 10:23-25
Let us hold tightly without wavering, to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

God has placed us in his family, not just for relationship with him, but for relationship with others. Lets encourage one another, by building strong, positve relationships with one another. These relationships are with our fellow Christians and with people not yet part of the family, those that still need reconciling to God. But we have these relationships for a reason. Paul says, keep in relationship, keep meeting together. There is strength being together, there is encouragement from being together, there are things to do together. Paul says, don't neglect your relationships. They are powerful.
When families are strong, we find society is healthy and strong. We have God's family, that provides strength to us, a place of love and a place of safety.

The reason the Bible talks about brothers and sisters in Christ is because that is how our relationships are meant to be: not independent (living in isolation and never relating to anyone) or codependent, (relying on others to do everything, or being in a relationship where you do everything, or a lot for others, because you are caught in a relationship of manipulation and guilt); but interdependent (where healthy people build healthy relstionships, taking responsibility for their own stuff and helping to carry the burdens of others). This is how we relate to one another in a healthy way, where our relationship with Christ is the driving force behind everything we do and where we live in relationship with others, loving caring, challenging and forgiving.

Gal 6:2 -5
Share each others burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.

When it comes to relationships, we are to spend more time on our own stuff than looking at other people's stuff. We live in a culture where other people's stuff is big news and we compare to others all the time. Then we gossip and bitch about others instead of dealing with our own challenges.
Paul says, take responsibility for your own life and stop comparing yourself to everyone else. When we live this way, caring about others instead of comparing with others, we build stronger relationships. Jesus said that before we correct another person, take a good hard look at your own life.

Matt 7:3-5
And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, "let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye," when you can't see past  the log in your own eye. Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you can see well enough to deal with the speck in your friends eye.

Deal with your own stuff, so that you can truly live in a loving relationship with others, correcting where necessary, but done from the right place. We can all get better at relationships regardless of how good they are already. If you are in difficult relationships, then over the next few weeks, we will learn about what a healthy relationship looks like and what you can do to deal with them, how to make sure we are in right relationship, and how we can deal with our own stuff.

What are your relationships like?

Who are you in relationship with, that you are doing life with?

Are they healthy? If not, what do you think makes them unhealthy?

If they are healthy, what makes them healthy? What can you strengthen in your relationships?

How well are you addressing your own life issues or are you too preoccupied with the the stuff of others?

What would you like to change in your relationships? (Note: this is WHAT, not WHO!, the only who that you can change is you!!!)

We are made for relationship. We are made for healthy relationship. We are created by God to be in relationship with him. We are saved by God to live in relationship with him and to help others to have relationship with him.

Some Thoughts about living well to lead well

These thoughts come from thinking about the influence we have on other people as we go about outpr daily lives. In Titus we read that the grace of God has been revealed bringing salvation for all people. Because of this opportunity of amazing grace we are to turn from godless living (living our own way) and live with self control, right conduct, wisdom and devotion to God. (Titus 2:11-12). As leaders we are to encourage others to live this way. It is therefore very important that we set the right example by our own conduct, as others are watching us. How we live makes a huge difference to the level of impact and leadership we will exercise for good in the lives of others.

In Titus there is a lot of teaching on how we are to live our lives before God and before others. I encourage everyone to read it and meditate on it. People will see and be affected by our behaviour. What type of impact and influence do we wish to leave as our legacy? Will it be one of destructive attitudes and behaviours or one of encouragement, love and grace. As a child, my Mum would say she always knew where I had been because of the trail of toys I dropped and left behind as I moved on. This trail of toys might be acceptable in a small child, but at some stage we have to grow up and learn to take responsibility for our life. Do people know where you have been in someone's life (good or bad)? What kind of legacy have you left?

I think about this in my own life. What kind of legacy am I leaving with others? What impact am I having in their lives? What is the impact of the way I speak, what I do and how I serve? When others follow me, are they always having to clean up the trail of mess I have left behind me, or are they enjoying the benefits of wise words, encouragement and service given with joy? I am challenged by this.

How do we treat those closest to us? What legacy are we leaving our children. I hope its a legacy of faith in God, of love for others and a hope for the future. The truth is that how we live today, the decisions we make today will be adding or subtracting from the legacy. How will it stack up?

I'm challenged by this because it means that each and every day, and every moment of every day, we need to be aware of our behaviour, what we are doing and saying, so that as best as we are able it reflects God in us. This means we must address the issues of our lives, and be prepared to grow and be challenged by others. We must be prepared to listen to other wise and godly people, taking care of who we allow to speak into our lives, so that at all times and in all places we are reflecting Jesus and becoming more and more like him; more and more like the people he created us to be.

This is as true for me as it is for anyone. Lets work together, loving and encouraging one another, so that each day we are becoming who God created us to be, living the way he wants us to live, and doing what he wants us to do. When we do this, we will set a good example for others to follow, and those that come after us will be able to live in a place of relationship, love and encouragement because we went before.

A thought

1 John 1:11 Don't let bad examples influence you.

This is such a powerful Scripture. So often we allow what we call the "cultural norm" to influence what we do, rather than examining the cultural norm in the light of God's word. To remove the toxicity we can look into what God's norm is for our life.

Cultural norms are often about me first, yet Jesus says God's normal, is about others before self, not thinking of ourselves more highly, or less highly, than we ought, but examining ourselves with sober judgement, understanding who we are in God, seeking the wellbeing of others, and seeking to do what is right in God's eyes.

We are to look after ourselves, be balanced in our lives etc. but ultimately, as we seek God's kingdom, his cultural norm, we are to live in a way that reflects his love for others in all things. It's not self focussed egocentric behaviour and attitudes, but God focussed and outwards looking..

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